


breaking point

by favefangirl



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Avengers Family, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, bucky vs the 21st century
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-06
Updated: 2019-08-06
Packaged: 2020-08-10 11:27:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20134705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/favefangirl/pseuds/favefangirl
Summary: Prompt:Bucky and Steve are at a Hydra base when they find some tapes that have recordings of the winter soldier's torture. Bucky is worried Steve will hate him after seeing how compliant and broken he was. Cue Steve assuring Bucky that none of it was his fault.





	breaking point

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Paz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paz/gifts).

> Thank you so much for the prompt. I hope I did it justice? Sorry I suck at titles.
> 
> This is set post CA:TWS and we're going to ignore everything that happens afterwards because AOU is a joke, please and thank you.
> 
> I should also warn you that I am not an action/suspense writer but I tried, goddamn it, at least I did that.

It's in the way Steve smiles at him: soft and kind and beautiful. The way Steve knocks their shoulders together when they walk, hands brushing, as though they're fifteen again and can't tell anybody that they're together. It's in the way Steve takes the elevator up to Bucky's floor, at least ten above his own, to give him a kiss goodnight and to tell him to sleep well. It's in the way Steve never prys, never asks more than Bucky will give, but also never makes Bucky feel like he doesn’t have someone to turn to.

It's in everything Steve does that Bucky knows he's loved. Cherished. Wanted.

Whatever insecurities Bucky may have about himself and about their relationship are wiped away with the press of a gentle thumb in the crease of his eyebrows when he frowns, cast aside by the way Steve lights up when Bucky's around, eroded by every whispered confession of  _ I missed you _ , and  _ I never stopped hoping _ , and  _ you're all I had and all I wanted _ . Steve's so honest about his feelings he makes Bucky giddy with it.

Everything is new and fragile. Steve travelled halfway across the world just to bring him home, broke down seventy years worth of brainwashing and made him a part of the Avengers family. They're just getting to know each other again, learning who they each are now - Bucky the ex-assassin and Steve the superhero. There's definitely a joke in there somewhere. But it’s good. It’s all so good.

After a few months of working with the best mental health professionals money - well, Tony - can buy, the team decides to start letting Bucky help on missions. He starts small, recon and progress monitoring, before he's being treated as an equal on the team. In the early days, there's a lot of learning to trust each other. Bucky never quite shakes the guilt of what he's done to the people who he now calls family, but he's getting there. Steve helps, a lot.

This mission has just him and Steve on the ground. He's not really sure how the red tape works with the Avengers. They were a Shield initiative, but Shield is out of operation after Steve, Nat and Sam revealed the Hydra cell operating inside of it. (That's one of the things he still feels guilty about.) But it doesn't really matter to Bucky. He has a lot of bad karma he's trying to fix, a lot of people hurt that he's now trying to help. He can never make it even, he knows, but he can try, bureaucracy be damned.

They're retrieving lost Hydra files on the whereabouts of a magical staff that a God named Loki used to brainwash Clint and some scientist guy to make them cause an alien invasion. When Nat had read the mission objectives, Bucky had locked eyes with Steve who had just shook his head minutely.  _ Don't ask _ . 

The future was weird.

The Hydra base is just off the border of Bulgaria and Turkey. Nat is monitoring remotely from a Quinjet, and Sam's in the air doing recon. The base is supposed to be deserted, but they're all being cautious regardless. Bucky and Steve are approaching the base from the side where there's the most tree coverage. Steve pauses just before the trees clear and it's an open run to the base. He crouches, Bucky on his six, finger preemptively on the trigger of his gun.

"Sam," Steve says into his comm, "what's it look like from up there?"

"No heat signatures," Bucky hears in his own earpiece. "No movement either. I think you're clear, Cap."

Steve turns to look at Bucky who nods. They begin a slow approach to the door on the side of the base. Bucky's senses are keen from whatever serum Hydra injected him with, and there's nothing to suggest they're not alone. They reach the door, and Bucky watches behind them as Steve attaches one of Tony's devices to it. In seconds, with a gentle puff, the door jerks open a crack. Steve pushes it the rest of the way and it creaks in protest. They walk tentatively into the pitch black building. The darkness doesn't last long. Soon, dim lights are flickering on illuminating a long, steel hallway.

"Someone turn on the lights?" Bucky suggests quietly, nervously.

"Motion sensors?" Steve counters, nodding at a round looking black object on the wall next to them. Bucky hopes he's right.

They continue down the hallway until they reach a door. Steve tries the handle and it opens right away. The lights flicker on in this room as well. They're faced with a projector and rows of seats, like a movie theatre. There are old filing cabinets on every wall, and everything is covered in thick layers of dust. Nothing looks like it's been touched in years. Without warning, on the projector Russian words appear.

_ Test 1 - Serum 89 - The Winter Soldier _

Bucky's eyes flick to Steve but he, not speaking Russian, doesn't even flinch. The words fade replaced by a man's face Bucky recognises only form his nightmares. He speaks in rapid Russian about  _ success _ and  _ breakthrough _ and  _ perfection _ . Bucky swallows around the bile rising in his throat. He knows exactly what the man is talking about.

More words:  _ Test 18 - Serum 89 - The Winter Soldier. _

When Bucky appears on screen, Steve gasps audibly. He may turn to look at him, but Bucky's eyes are glued to his own face on the projector. He's already beaten, bruised. There's dried blood on his face, lips, knuckles. He doesn't remember ever fighting anyone, but he may well have just been trying to claw at his own skin. He's biting on a mouth guard as a woman in a white coat turns on the electrodes attached to his chest and his temples. His screams are muffled but he knows what he was trying to say - the only name he never forgot.

_ Steve _ .

The woman turns the electrodes back off, and the Bucky on the screen finally goes quiet. He slumps against the restraints, chest heaving. A man approaches him holding a little red book Bucky recognises all too well. He's already looking for escape routes in case the words work through the screen when the image changes.

_ Test 35 - Serum 89 - The Winter Soldier _

Bucky's back on the screen, mid-way through the shock treatment. He's screaming again, the same inevitable name on his lips. His eyes are wild, like a beast, full of rage. He struggles against the metal holding him to the bed, but it's no use. He's not strong enough. Not physically. Not mentally. In the present he watches as he allows himself to be tortured. To be brainwashed. To be turned into a monster. Compliant in it all.

_ Test 60 - Serum 333 - The Winter Soldier _

There are no restraints. Just Bucky sat on the bed. There's no light left behind his eyes. He's staring dead ahead, just beyond the camera. The audio begins just at the end of the words.  _ Homecoming, one, freight car _ . And Bucky's response:  _ ready to comply _ . There's a manic laugh that still haunts Bucky's dreams even to this day, then the screen fades to black.

Bucky knows that after that they attached the arm, sewed strands of vibranium into flesh and muscle and nerve, sent him out into the world to wreak their havoc and leave pain in his wake. The Winter Soldier, complete.

Bucky thinks he may be hyperventilating. He hadn't noticed Steve move towards him, but there's a hand on his arm and a concerned look being sent his way and right now he can't cope with either of those things. He shrugs Steve off, pretends he doesn't see the hurt flash across his face, and brings the gun back up as a cautionary measure.

"We have a mission," Bucky all but growls. He hates what it’s reminiscent of.

Steve, bless him, for once in his stubborn life decides to let it slide and says, "Alright."

* * *

When they get back to the tower they're supposed to have a debrief. Tony, Thor, Bruce, Clint and Rhodey are all waiting for them when they arrive, but Bucky just dumps his gun on the table and storms into the elevator. His pulse is still racing and his head is pounding. He thinks he might be sick. He vaguely processes someone saying his name before the doors slide closed and the elevator jerks into life. 

He tears into his room, throwing off his gear without care for the countless thousands of dollars it must all cost. He goes straight to the bathroom and climbs in the shower, relishes the fact that the water comes out far too cold to begin with. He leans his weight against the wall as the water washes over him, breathes heavily, closes his eyes.

He can't get his own words out of his head -  _ ready to comply _ . He was -  _ christ! _ He was so willing, so weak. He barely put up a fight. He let them turn him into the monster the Winter Soldier became. He allowed it. In a rage he punches the wall with his vibranium hand and does feel guilty when they tile beneath crumbles. Tony's done a lot for him, he's not repaying him very well.

Eventually Bucky gets out of the shower, when the water's just starting to turn cold again and he realises he can't stay there and avoid everything forever. He dries off quickly and grabs some sweats and a t-shirt (which he thinks may be Steve's) before grabbing the bottle of Asgardian Liquor Thor gave him and settling down on the couch. It's something that hasn't changed since the 40s, this drinking to forget.

Bucky's only three swigs in when JARVIS' voice comes over the comms. "Sir, Captain Rogers is seeking access to your floor. Should I let him in?"

Of course. Steve wouldn't just be able to let this go and allow him to wallow in self pity in peace. He huffed, runs a hand over his face and says; "Yeah, let him in," in a tight voice which, for once, has nothing to do with the surreal experience of talking to the disembodied voice of an actual building. 

The elevator doors slide open and he hears Steve step onto his floor but he doesn't look up to greet him. He's not sure he can even meet Steve's eye right now, too afraid of the inevitable disappointment and disgust he'll see there. He hears Steve walk further into the room and then sit right next to him on the couch. He's out of the suit and into his own clothes and he looks so soft and gentle out of the corner of Bucky's eye, it takes everything in him not to just lean against him and hope Steve isn't too repulsed.

He doesn't. Instead he grips the liquor a little bit tighter in his flesh hand and hopes Steve leaves soon so he can down the rest in peace.

"Are you okay?" Steve asks quietly. "Things got pretty intense back there."

Bucky shrugs and hangs his head. He doesn't - he  _ can't  _ have this conversation right now. Not with Steve, not when he's just got Steve back. It was going so well, they worked, they were working. He can already tell he's going to lose all of it - Steve, Tony, the Avengers. They'll all hate him now that they realise, now that Steve's  _ seen, _ how compliant he was in everything Hydra did, how little he fought.

How they broke him. 

"Buck-"

"I killed Howard." Bucky says because he  _ wants _ , he wants Steve to hate him enough to let go. He wants Steve to walk out and not come back and let him pack up his things and leave. It’ll all hurt less that way "I killed others, too. Shield agents, presidents, innocent people. I did those things."

"I know," Steve says, simply. "About Howard and the others. I know it was the Winter Soldier."

Bucky jerks his head and finally looks at Steve. "What?" he breathes.

"We all know. Tony, Nat, everyone. There were files spread all across Shield's databases." 

Bucky can't hold back anymore. He lets out an anguished sob and tries his best to break out of Steve's inevitable hold as he pulls him closer into his chest. Bucky keeps fighting but Steve, the beautiful, stubborn bastard, won't let go, and eventually the comfort becomes too much for Bucky to resist. He pulls Steve closer, grips him like he might disappear otherwise, and sobs into his shoulder.

"I'm sorry," he all but wails, "I'm sorry I was so weak. I'm sorry I was so broken."

Steve is shushing softly in his ear, telling him it's okay, and to breathe, and he'll be alright. One of his hands is rubbing soothing circles onto Bucky's back, the other is cradling the back of his head, fingers tangled in his wet hair. It all feels surreal to Bucky, the fact that Steve knows all these things, has known, and still doesn't hate him. He can’t believe that there isn’t a catch. 

Eventually he begins to calm. The tears are still streaming, but he's stopped shaking and he can breathe again. Steve pulls away enough to wipe the tears that are trailing on his cheeks, and to cup his jaw so that Bucky has no choice but to look into his eyes.

"Listen to me Buck," Steve says, a little hoarse, and if Bucky is not mistaken those are tears in Steve's eyes as well. "We're all broken. All of us. Nat was trained to be a weapon from the time she could walk, Bruce turns into a big green rage monster that smashes things and kills people and he has to just live with that, Tony has pieces of shrapnel constantly trying to worm their way into his heart. We've all done things that make us not sleep so well at night, we've all killed and hurt people, not always who deserved it. You're no different."

"But-" Bucky tries to protest.

"No," Steve interrupts immediately. "Listen to me Bucky. What Hydra did to you was not your fault. I saw those videos, I saw you fighting it just like you always have. No one could've stopped it, no one. You're a victim here, too."

"The things I did-"

"The things  _ the Winter Soldier _ did are terrible, sure, but it wasn't you." Steve smiles at him sadly. "We've all forgiven you. All of us. Even Nat and Tony. Now it's time you forgave yourself." Bucky tries shaking his head, but Steve just presses their foreheads together. "I forgive you," Steve promises, desperately, and to Bucky it sounds a lot like I love you.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!
> 
> This is far from perfect but I really wanted to get this written before I lost my motivation. (It turns out procrastinating writing your personal statement is perfect motivation).
> 
> If you wanna leave a comment or a kudos they're much appreciated! Especially let me know if there's something you think I forgot to tag!
> 
> i like friends so my tumblr is always open: [maddy-does](https://maddy-does.tumblr.com/). my Insta is @maddy.does, but i'm super inactive so good luck, lol.
> 
> **prompts?**  
i have writers block at the minute so in order to try and stimulate my writing juices (that is a weird sentence, i apologise) i’m opening myself up to prompts and requests for writing. if you're interested please message me on one of the social media listed above, or drop the prompt in the comments below, it is greatly appreciated! your prompt could just be a song (because then i get to discover new music, too, which is always fun!!) if you do send a prompt be prepared for me to take fifty years to fill it because school is so hard, but i promise i'll try!
> 
> Thanks again for reading, have a wonderful existence.


End file.
